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10th-Nov-2009 07:47 pm(no subject)
"You know, the last time I did this, all I did was notice reds..and my heart beat." I hate my heart beat. More than anything else on the entire planet, and I knew Brendon knew that. How could he not know that? We'd been friends since the 10th grade, after all. Actually, I was in 10th, he was in 9th. That was beside the point.
"That's because you used a fucking water bottle man! You have to roll it to get high really good." I never thought I'd live to see the day where it was Brendon asking ME to smoke with him. Much less in an attic. Much less weed.

But before you knew it, there we were, cross-legged in your attic having pushed a window open wide as to let the smoke out and to not reek up your house. I laid on my back, hand behind my head, hoping you'd join me for some reason. I couldn't tell if this emotion was my own or if it were something more profound. Maybe it was just the pot talking. At this point, I was so out I couldn't tell.

Suddenly, as if called out like a distant memory, a song wafted into my head. You were humming one of my favorite songs.. "You say goodbye...and I say hello..." it was slow, and slightly out of tune, but it was enough to make you want you all the more. I managed to rock myself forward and looked at you. I hadn't realized it, but you were beautiful. Again, the pot talking. I'm not sure. I rubbed my eyes, surely blood shot by now, before I leaned my body toward you. You leaned with your back to a wall, and your head tilted back. Your mantra continued.

"Why..why..why..do you say good...bye.. you say good...bye.. and I say..." I smiled, and leaned in further, only inches from your delicious lips. I couldn't help but giggle when you opened your eyes with a, "..hello." My heart beat even faster than it's already outrageous pace. What was I doing? Brendon's eyes, half shut watched me lazily, so unaware of what was going on. I couldn't do this now.

I let the shyness take the best of me and sat back on my legs.
________________________________________________________________________________

It wasn't until the sunlight creeping in hit my eyes that I realized where I was. Brendon's room. I was tired, and unsure of the time. How long was I asleep for? I tried hard to remember what had happened the night before, but I was still high. Not much, but enough to make me want to sleep again. My eyes shut and I put an arm over the aching muscles, moving in closer to the warmth of Brendon's body.

Brendon's body?!

I got up with a delayed start, before falling off the bed.
It wasn't until I stood up and felt my, parts.., dangling that I realized I was completely naked.

SHIT.

Brendon didn't wake, only rolled over. My face burned a deep deep shade of red. Then I noticed his clothing on, minus his shirt. Oh thank God, maybe we hadn't done anything. Christ. Why couldn't I remember?

**To be continued
8th-Nov-2009 12:16 pm(no subject)
Brendon Urie, Nine in the afternoon, Ryan Ross, Panic at the Disco
Title: He said he always loved Autumn the best for it's warm colors.
Author: HeyDoTheJwalk
Rating: PG
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan
POV: Brendon
Summary: Brendon reminisces his once love.
Disclaimer: Neither Brendon nor Ryan, or PATD for that matter, belong to me.
Beta:
Author Notes: Short story I banged out in 20 minutes. To be edited before submission.


But knowing Ryan, by the time fall rolled around, he'd be wishing for the spring time again. When he told me these things, I can say those were my favorite times. The sweet, quiet times. The times where I felt my other in my arms, and my love pouring out of my lips. He'd be relaxed, leaning the back of his head right underneath my chin. I could smell the sweet scent of the feminine shampoo he loved to wear, and although some might find it a bit strange he did such a thing, I loved him all the more for it. His quirks pulled smiles onto my face, and placed a radiating heat in my heart that wanted him all the more.

He had this little talent, I found. A proud discovery, I'd rather say. Ryan had this perfect way of speaking what was on his mind, and knowing what was on others. He could speak words that made no sense to any one, and others that made all the sense in the world. I found him to be the type of boy everyone wanted to be around. He walks into a classroom, and all eyes go straight to him. They drink in his appeal, his warm smile. The know of his way with words, and his insight of the world that surrounded him. Sometimes that world could be cold, and sometimes it was almost enough to make anyone want to harm themselves in ways they would positively regret later.

When the day came, his brown eyes looked slightly down into my own. I had never thought I could feel my heart breaking, but at this time, I knew. His brows furrowed, and his arms slid around my waist. I promptly slammed my lips into his, a kiss of kisses. I tasted the metallic taste of blood at one point, but it subsided and I fought to keep him with me. I knew people were watching, judging. Two young boys, one, in my opinion more attractive, holding himself together while the other, myself, cried his eyes out into his shirt. His shirt was soaked and ruined, he had worn the one I liked best that day. He whispered that he loved me, and I whimpered back a response. 

Ryan boarded the plane and I haven't seen him since.



There was something about Jon's face, after the day we hung out. We laughed and worked on our school project together, even throughout my mothers death glares
. The following morning when I looked at the photos, I felt the disgusting taste of vomit in my throat. That ever so familiar feeling of a churning stomach, ready to erupt if I looked for even another second.  His hair fell in ugly locks, and his smile was large enough to envelop his entire face. The slight gold tint is exactly what topped it off. I wanted to delete them all, then and there, and followed my instinct. Somehow having spent time with Jon felt like a sin. A sin that would come back to bite me in the ass.

3rd-Nov-2009 09:13 pm - Just breathe.
My head was killing me as I clicked away at the computer mouse. I had been flipping through Facebook all evening, and just about everything was boring. Checking my wall..nothing. Checking my inbox..nothing. Checking Farmville..nothing.

I sighed a bit and tilted my head to one side, my neck had started in on the pain too. A snore came from behind me and I turned to see Jon hadn't moved from his almost pitiful state of slumber on the couch. My head tilted back and I headed for the big x on the screen when a,
POP!
occurred.


Brendon Urie: Hey


Brendon.

It had been awhile, nearly a year since we broke up. It hadn't ended prettily, and my accusing of him with girls, although it was so painfully clear he was completely gay, probably didn't make the situation any better. I found it a bit ironic, his IMing me. He'd been on my mind lately, and sometimes it was hard having so many mutual friends. You couldn't avoid the social outings, the sitting close to each other in classes. It was easy ignoring him day to day, all that was needed of me was a silence and avoidance of eye contact at all times.

I had memorized what times of the day I'd have to see him, because it was unavoidable. You always seem to remember the worst things that have happened to you, he once told me. I would see him, one leg supporting him on the fence to the side of the school, cigarette placed delicately beneath his fingers. He had always held it lightly, you'd think he'd drop it, but he never did. That was Brendon for you, I suppose. Always on the edge of something, but he somehow always made it seem so simple. It was a difficult thing to explain.


The next IM popped.
"Hey, you there?"


My fingers were chilly from the dark air in the basement, there were no windows for sunlight, but at this point it was one of those things that was just barely noticeable.

"Yes." I replied, and I wish you were too, my thoughts screamed.

I'm not quite sure what had possessed me to break up with him in the first place, I know why I did it at the time. Or at least, the excuse I gave him. But I just hadn't felt right. Maybe I was too naive, too unsure of what I had. 
 

"How ya been?" I read silently.

"Good.."

I could already feel the tension in the conversation, thanks to my blabbering mind not replying to him right away.


"That's good. How's Jon?" Coincidentally, another snore erupted from the man I called my boyfriend.

"He's good too. Sleeping atm."

"Yeah, I heard you guys started dating a while ago. How's he treating you?"
What? How is he treating me?

Hesitantly I typed back, "He's good. Brendon."

My mouth was dry, and I reached for my drink. Upon putting it to my lips I realized it was empty. I got up and tip toed past Jon, threw my can out, and grabbed a fresh one from the fridge. I took my place back in front of the computer, and Hobo hopped onto my lap. I swear, this dog was a cat in her past life. Another IM greeted me at the screen,
 

"He's not..hurting you. Or anything. I don't want to pry or anything man, but, I heard some things.."

A fire rose up inside me. Who was he, my EX boyfriend, to judge my relationship? After being ignored all this time, I didn't feel like I owed him a god damn thing. In fact, he didn't even deserved my conversation. I smashed out a harsh, "Nice talking to you." causing Hobo to run off in fury, before slamming the laptop shut.

Jon was still asleep, his head currently resting on the arm of the sofa. I left my mac on my desk and went over to him, laying closely beside him. He unconsciously  slid his arms around my waist, the movement was comfortingly familiar. Maybe he wasn't Brendon, but Jon still cared for me.

It wasn't until the accident that I understood.

Jon was in jail, being 20 and all, for assaulting another kid in the plaza that was home to our local Chipotle. I wasn't there to witness it, but I was there when Jon showed up at my door, black eye'd and knuckles streaming with blood.

It dripped onto my carpet, the one I had just vacuumed, in perfect little circles.
I watched them, and they created a pattern.

Plop, plip. Plop plop, plip. Plop..plip. Plop plop..plip.

Blood.

Shit.

I stumbled back and ran to get my make shift first aid kid out. I took his hands and quickly disinfected the cuts, then wrapped them loosly in gauze. It wasn't until then that Jon broke down in tears in front of me. I felt like his mother, I had my arm around him, and I was stroking his hair..even humming to him.


And it wasn't until the police came by and took Jon away that I regretted having slammed that laptop so hard. Maybe Brendon wasn't so bad after all.


The following Monday in school I had Math.
With Brendon no less.

A part of me wanted to admit defeat and fall into his arms, wanted to smell those clothes that were to forever be scented of cigarettes. But the part of me the was caught in reality knew this wasn't an option, because Brendon was too busy flitting around with his friends. Right on cue, the blond girl who always seemed to be connected to his hip walked in and sat straight on his lap. Brendon smiled at her and they chatted. God, even her hair was too much to handle.

I turned my head towards the front of the room and waited for the lesson to start, thus spending the rest of the day staring straight into the eyes of all my teachers. Maybe I wanted the answers to more than just the Algebra assignment. Maybe I was seeking the answers to my life, and how to go on.

I felt like someone had pulled out my insides, and whatever fragments of a heart I had left screamed his name at me. BRENDON.

Having him sit only three desks away from me in Physics nearly finished me off. I managed to keep my mouth shut, and I made it home in one piece.

Hopes of my father being in a good mood rung in my head, but anyone that knew him was aware of how hopeless that was. I walked into the empty living room before beginning a dart to my bedroom.
"Where the FUCK have you been boy?"

I froze. "School, dad."

"Yeah, bullshit." He lisped, "Where's that girlfriend of yours? Joanna or someshit."

"Jon? He's not my girlfriend," My lips trembled as they tried to be as careful with words as possible. My mouth let the words fall lightly, and I swore I could hear them hit the cold ground. I listened and my father dragged his feet off.

I ran up the stairs and slammed my door. My heart was nearly jumping out of my throat, and my body tingled with the faint feeling of past beatings.



**To be finished tomorrow. I'm bored and tired. :) KAYBYE.
 


3rd-Nov-2009 06:33 pm - Notes
  • Brendon, glasses, scent of flowers
  • Granola bar being pushed in front of Ryan
  • Ryan writing, not looking up
  • Brendon making self bowl of cereal
  • Some specific lyric used to connect with thoughts of Keltie still being around

And that's all I can remember from the first part of it. :\

These notes will help during writing. *sigh*


3rd-Nov-2009 06:15 pm - Last year in English,
We were given 10 minutes to write whatever we wanted as a warm up.
Of course, given this opportunity to enjoy something in school, I began a short fic.
And of course, it was about Brendon and Ryan.
You cannot deny how adorable they are.
Just get over yourself.

Anyway,
I have since found my other love,
and his name is Kris.

This fic is now for him,
no matter how lame you may think it is. :)


I think it will be called,

As A Science

3rd-Nov-2009 01:51 pm(no subject)
Alright, purpose for this LiveJournal account, only for my writings.
I have this blog thing all set up.


http://pronetohabit.blogspot.com - My personal blogs

http://pronetohabit.tumblr.com - My reblogging/fun blog

http://themomenthasarrived.tumblr.com/ - My blog for whatever song is stuck in my head that day

http://patdmusicsrc.tumblr.com/
- My lame little Panic blog for music/photos/videos (in an orderly fashion though)

& I expect yet another Panic blog to end up on Tumblr at some point in time.

3rd-Nov-2009 01:42 pm - First Post
Of course I need one of these.
So here it is,

welcome me.

Welcome back to LiveJournal.

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