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Just breathe. 
3rd-Nov-2009 09:13 pm
My head was killing me as I clicked away at the computer mouse. I had been flipping through Facebook all evening, and just about everything was boring. Checking my wall..nothing. Checking my inbox..nothing. Checking Farmville..nothing.

I sighed a bit and tilted my head to one side, my neck had started in on the pain too. A snore came from behind me and I turned to see Jon hadn't moved from his almost pitiful state of slumber on the couch. My head tilted back and I headed for the big x on the screen when a,

Brendon Urie: Hey


It had been awhile, nearly a year since we broke up. It hadn't ended prettily, and my accusing of him with girls, although it was so painfully clear he was completely gay, probably didn't make the situation any better. I found it a bit ironic, his IMing me. He'd been on my mind lately, and sometimes it was hard having so many mutual friends. You couldn't avoid the social outings, the sitting close to each other in classes. It was easy ignoring him day to day, all that was needed of me was a silence and avoidance of eye contact at all times.

I had memorized what times of the day I'd have to see him, because it was unavoidable. You always seem to remember the worst things that have happened to you, he once told me. I would see him, one leg supporting him on the fence to the side of the school, cigarette placed delicately beneath his fingers. He had always held it lightly, you'd think he'd drop it, but he never did. That was Brendon for you, I suppose. Always on the edge of something, but he somehow always made it seem so simple. It was a difficult thing to explain.

The next IM popped.
"Hey, you there?"

My fingers were chilly from the dark air in the basement, there were no windows for sunlight, but at this point it was one of those things that was just barely noticeable.

"Yes." I replied, and I wish you were too, my thoughts screamed.

I'm not quite sure what had possessed me to break up with him in the first place, I know why I did it at the time. Or at least, the excuse I gave him. But I just hadn't felt right. Maybe I was too naive, too unsure of what I had. 

"How ya been?" I read silently.


I could already feel the tension in the conversation, thanks to my blabbering mind not replying to him right away.

"That's good. How's Jon?" Coincidentally, another snore erupted from the man I called my boyfriend.

"He's good too. Sleeping atm."

"Yeah, I heard you guys started dating a while ago. How's he treating you?"
What? How is he treating me?

Hesitantly I typed back, "He's good. Brendon."

My mouth was dry, and I reached for my drink. Upon putting it to my lips I realized it was empty. I got up and tip toed past Jon, threw my can out, and grabbed a fresh one from the fridge. I took my place back in front of the computer, and Hobo hopped onto my lap. I swear, this dog was a cat in her past life. Another IM greeted me at the screen,

"He's not..hurting you. Or anything. I don't want to pry or anything man, but, I heard some things.."

A fire rose up inside me. Who was he, my EX boyfriend, to judge my relationship? After being ignored all this time, I didn't feel like I owed him a god damn thing. In fact, he didn't even deserved my conversation. I smashed out a harsh, "Nice talking to you." causing Hobo to run off in fury, before slamming the laptop shut.

Jon was still asleep, his head currently resting on the arm of the sofa. I left my mac on my desk and went over to him, laying closely beside him. He unconsciously  slid his arms around my waist, the movement was comfortingly familiar. Maybe he wasn't Brendon, but Jon still cared for me.

It wasn't until the accident that I understood.

Jon was in jail, being 20 and all, for assaulting another kid in the plaza that was home to our local Chipotle. I wasn't there to witness it, but I was there when Jon showed up at my door, black eye'd and knuckles streaming with blood.

It dripped onto my carpet, the one I had just vacuumed, in perfect little circles.
I watched them, and they created a pattern.

Plop, plip. Plop plop, plip. Plop..plip. Plop plop..plip.



I stumbled back and ran to get my make shift first aid kid out. I took his hands and quickly disinfected the cuts, then wrapped them loosly in gauze. It wasn't until then that Jon broke down in tears in front of me. I felt like his mother, I had my arm around him, and I was stroking his hair..even humming to him.

And it wasn't until the police came by and took Jon away that I regretted having slammed that laptop so hard. Maybe Brendon wasn't so bad after all.

The following Monday in school I had Math.
With Brendon no less.

A part of me wanted to admit defeat and fall into his arms, wanted to smell those clothes that were to forever be scented of cigarettes. But the part of me the was caught in reality knew this wasn't an option, because Brendon was too busy flitting around with his friends. Right on cue, the blond girl who always seemed to be connected to his hip walked in and sat straight on his lap. Brendon smiled at her and they chatted. God, even her hair was too much to handle.

I turned my head towards the front of the room and waited for the lesson to start, thus spending the rest of the day staring straight into the eyes of all my teachers. Maybe I wanted the answers to more than just the Algebra assignment. Maybe I was seeking the answers to my life, and how to go on.

I felt like someone had pulled out my insides, and whatever fragments of a heart I had left screamed his name at me. BRENDON.

Having him sit only three desks away from me in Physics nearly finished me off. I managed to keep my mouth shut, and I made it home in one piece.

Hopes of my father being in a good mood rung in my head, but anyone that knew him was aware of how hopeless that was. I walked into the empty living room before beginning a dart to my bedroom.
"Where the FUCK have you been boy?"

I froze. "School, dad."

"Yeah, bullshit." He lisped, "Where's that girlfriend of yours? Joanna or someshit."

"Jon? He's not my girlfriend," My lips trembled as they tried to be as careful with words as possible. My mouth let the words fall lightly, and I swore I could hear them hit the cold ground. I listened and my father dragged his feet off.

I ran up the stairs and slammed my door. My heart was nearly jumping out of my throat, and my body tingled with the faint feeling of past beatings.

**To be finished tomorrow. I'm bored and tired. :) KAYBYE.

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